Get Fitter with Twitter!

I know that many of you have been enjoying my daily diet tips on Twitter. Some of these have been inspired by jokey emails that occasionally do the rounds, some by my heroine Miss Piggy , but most of them are all my own work. I've lost around 2 stone in the last 4 months, mostly be doing exactly the oppsite of what my tips say!

So here, for a bit of fun to cheer up any fed-up dieter, is a summary of my Twitter diet tips.

Packaged food has the calorie count on the pack. Therefore un-packaged food must have no calories

If you are right handed, anything eaten with the left hand contains no calories. And vice versa

Cows eat grass. Grass is a vegetable. So a steak topped with blue cheese is two of your five a day

Dark and white chocolate cancel each other out.

There are two things you should never eat before breakfast - lunch and dinner

Foods the same colour have the same number of calories, eg. mushrooms and Milky Bar, cottage cheese and cream.

Broken biscuits have no calories because they have all spilled out from the broken edges

Pimm’s with lots of fruit in it counts as one of your five a day and is therefore not fattening.

Anything bought and eaten in aid of charity, for instance at a cake stall or charity coffee morning, has zero calories.

Anything eaten or drunk for medicinal purposes (eg chocolate, wine, ice cream) has no calories.

Store chocolate in a high cupboard. Gravity pulls the calories out and makes them fall on the floor.

Butter isn’t fattening if you spread  it on wholemeal bread.

Follow the golfing diet. Live on greens

Stay in shape. Round is a shape.

A calorie is a unit of heat. Therefore frozen foods like ice cream have no calories.

The calories on another person’s plate belong to them- so if you steal the food, they still get the calories.

Piercing food lets the calories out. So anything on a stick – cocktail sausages, kebabs, satay, Magnum -  is calorie free.

Stop using that shampoo that says it gives you extra body, that’s the last thing you want!

Pasta  and antipasti cancel each other out.

You are what you eat. Think twice about fruit and nuts.

The four essential food groups are ice cream, chocolate, wine and coffee.

Wine is made from grapes. Grapes are fruit. So wine counts as one of your 5 a day.

Drinking a diet drink with your food cancels out the calories in the food. Salads have the same function.

Frying food in vegetable oil makes it soak up the oil, which being made from veg counts as an extra veg

Walking to the fridge counts as exercise. Do it often. And repeat.

Holes allow calories to escape, rendering holey food like  crumpets, Swiss cheese and Aero calorie free.

Compers – food you win is free, therefore it must be calorie free too.

A take away MUST take weight away. The name says it all.

Food eaten while hung over is restorative and therefore calorie free

If you eat standing up, the calories seep out through the soles of your feet.

Salad cancels out all other calories on the plate.

Eat chocolate before a meal. It blunts your appetite so you eat less.